Oops! I accidentally fell for my bestfriend

I’ve always found it easier to be friends with boys than girls. Their humour suits me and when things get serious, they’re often around to look out for you but, just like every other group of friends, there’s always one that stands out from the rest.

For me, that was Ryan.

After knowing each other for eleven years, our friendship was built on strong foundations and there was never any doubt in my mind that he wouldn’t come running when I called for help. Which, I had done on several occasions. He’d been my shoulder to cry on and brick wall to lean on when I needed help standing on my own two feet (literally and emotionally) and above all, he’d always been the one to stick around when everyone left without looking back. There was always something between us that I could never match with anyone else.

We grew up making memories together, from me crying because he threw a snowball full force into my face and failed to apologise as a consequence of laughing more than necessary to falling asleep on his sofa after playing eleven hours straight on the Xbox. Never did I feel uncomfortable or unwelcome in his presence.  Of course, being his best friend and a girl, we faced the typical question “are you two together?” almost every day but neither of us took much notice, we were never more than best friends and never would be. At least, that’s what we’d planned.

The spark was constant, it never faded and it never grew, it had always just been there and we’d both got so used to it “just being there” that the pair of us failed to notice it, however, other people made it clear that they did. Especially when we moved up to college.

“You two obviously like each other” my friend would tell me after every time we met Ryan outside his college.

“That’s weird. He’s like my brother.” I’d reply, pushing Ryan further and further into the friend zone. I’d always just rolled the idea off my shoulder but recently, I’d be tossing the thought about in my mind. Thinking about what it would be like to be in a relationship with my best friend. We’d always joked about it but I’d never given it a second thought. Forever, my friends and even teachers would relentlessly ask the same question over and over, “are you two together?” and the both of us would repeat the answer we were so used to giving but now I think about it, I feel like we were trying to convince ourselves more than others and it triggers me to think of the question, have we always felt this way for each other but forever been so blinded by denial that neither one of us was man enough to admit it?

After hiding all of my emotions for so long, it seems as though when I felt them, I couldn’t distinguish one from another. Did I like my best friend? The question lingered on my mind, day in, day out until finally, something happened…

“Courtney, would you ever get with Ryan?” Conner, a friend of mine and Ryan’s asked. I glanced at Ryan and smirked,

“No, he’s like my brother” I replied, just like I had a million times prior the situation but this time, Ryan’s reaction wasn’t the typical crescent like dimples curving inwards on his cheeks as his lips tugged up, instead, he groaned and stared down at his mud speckled shoes. It hit me then and it hit me hard. Without fault in my complexion and glassy facial expression, I looked at Conner who was chewing his lip, keeping the secret that I was more than aware of behind them. “What?” I asked, “We’d never work anyway-“ I began in a somewhat pathetic attempt to pretend I hadn’t realised what was unfolding.

“Why?” Ryan interrupted impatiently; waiting had never been one of his strengths. I supplied no answer to his question. For once, I couldn’t think of one. Eleven years, practically no arguments and having been there for each other throughout, there was no reason it wouldn’t work. No reason at all. Which is when I concluded that I was just scared and in a matter of seconds, I would have to mentally brace myself for what I knew was about to happen. It seemed to be something every girl wanted throughout their childhood, their best friend to become their partner but I’d never been the typical girl and it had never struck me as a situation that I would have to face one day. After a quick discussion, I asked for some time to think. Ryan unwillingly agreed and I proceeded to cry myself to sleep that night at the thought of losing my best friend because of the awkwardness that would follow after that night. It had never been a desired image.

Over the next two weeks, we saw each other a few times, from just hanging out to watching a film on the sofa until my mum and dad eventually kicked him out gone midnight. From his point of view, I was sure that he thought I was leading him on but I was doing the exact opposite. In fact, I was trying to get used to being with him before making my final decision. But once again, the peace was short-lived and the question arose again. I got in from my friends to a text. Ryan was near demanding a decision, It was apparent that I couldn’t make him wait any longer than I already had. My stubbornness got the best of me. I replied with a gentle message, telling him how I didn’t think it would work because it was too fairy tale like but as soon as I pressed send, I was already regretting my decision. In a rash panic to correct myself, I explained how scared I was of us not working out and never being able to return to our original state and once again, just as he had done over the years, he reassured me. A wave of relief washed over me and for the first time in a while, I slept peacefully knowing everything was going to be okay with us.

I accidentally fell for my best friend.

Courtney Hansen